i cannot deny that, nor would i deny that. it pains me though. that someone who has known me for all of 3 hours can pick on this. i fear transparency.

but since nothing can ever be my fault, he is obviously v. perceptive. I fear obviously v. perceptive-ness. i'm secretive, or i like to allow plenty of room for me to be summed up as such. but back to the all-or-nothing bit....

that's my problem: i AM all-or-nothing... It's the last verse of the hokeypokey else i'm not participating. i don't bother with people that don't just magickly exceed my expectations at nearly every turn. trouble is, my expectations have become so defined, refined, etc. that people are only meeting them. "face value" is not a happything; how sick to be "nothing more, nothing less". [is this why i glue currency to furniture?]

with he-who-we-do-not-mention-here, i knew in five minutes that i'd love him. with brian, the same. with scott, i knew in 15 minutes that the potential was there... potential which i based a risky wager on. a risky wager which i, of course, lost. ['big time, bucko!"] a loss which shifted the paradigm.

i'm an all-or-nothing kind of guy. so what the hell am i doing dating? since when has "maybe some other time" actually meant "maybe some other time"? c'mon, man! i still v. much know the deciding factor between "perhaps later" and "anytime/always/forever." ...and i've always needed a-fucking-lot-more than a "li'l sugar in my bowl." so why am i doing this dating-thing? it's so chore-like.

then there's lifterpuller, one of my favourite bands. i bought the cd on one of friend Krista's always keen recommendations.

and i HATED IT. HATED! HATED! HATED! it. only because i didnot love, love, love it. I sold it to krista who didnot have the L.P. lp on disco compacto. then somehow i liked it... it was on a mixedtape. i burned a copy for myself. i listened to it everywhere and anywhere. i bought the rest of the albums... i moved into the house where tad of lftrpllr used to live... i love, love, love it.

i curse the day i equated playing the field with playing that mixtape with the killer lifterpuller song on it.