i am single again.

...and nothing has hurt this much ever.

...and i was hit by a semitruck whilst riding my bike as truck was going 70mph.

...so, i know pain.

...for this is the one.
[[was? the one??]]

though i have many options for an abode [[have all my needs at his place, have all my can't-move-this-shit-with-my-energy-efficient-car at the house in nordeast which i must vacate by may 31st, his couch, his bestfriend's couch, my sister's couch, my co-workers' couches]]... though i have all these homes, i am homeless.

my bestfriend...
my lover...
my boyfriend...
my partner...
my reason for breathing...
my reason for minneapolis...

(to paraphrase) ...loves me but is not IN LOVE with me.

again, this hurts like nothing has hurt before.

and nothing will ever hurt this badly again.

[[which reads like optimism.]]

oh. and i'm moving back to my mum's house until i figure out what the hell to do with my life.

and oh-oh. as in "p.s.," there's no bad guy. there's no ill-blood. there's nothing tangible at which to be angry.

so it can only hurt.
and maybe, someday, it won't hurt as much.
until it was like nothing ever happened.

as for now, the barkeep and i are sitting at his bestfriend's house watching comedy central as though nothing ever did.