the BRUTAL, UGLY truth of my FABULOUS, BEAUTIFUL life.
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12:28 a.m. + 2005-07-22 = internal monologue distinguished with [[double brackets]].
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Have you been drinking?
-not at all. [[but that's what i'll be doing as soon as i get home, fuckface.]]
Did you even see me back there?
-no. [[and here i had just been saying to sistersister, "why is everyone driving so goddamned slow and stupid?! it's making darting in and out of traffick hella impossible."]]
I had a hard time catching up to you until you got caught up in traffic
[[um... you used the same verb twice... just stop talking and give me the ticket before you really piss me off.]]
Is this your current address?
-mmmm, yes. YES! YES, IT IS! [[no time for ambiguity, mattson! yes. I fucking live in ST. PETER.]]
i'll be right back; don't go anywhere.
[[are you kidding me? a)you have my license with incorrect address on it. b)you've pulled me over on the lefthand shoulder of 94east; i'm never getting back into traffick. [dick].]] -allright.
*****
sister: we live in minneapolis.
me: NO! my licence doesn't have our address... that's like 135$. WE live in ST. PETER.
sister: do we smell like alcohol? is it cos i use beer as cologne? ugh. my hair's too long and uneven.
me: it looks fine.
sister: it looks better when it's curly.
me: ha. yeah... when does that ever happen.
sister: are you kidding!? it's been curly all summer; tonight's the first time i've straightened it.
me: you've naturally curly hair!? weeeeeeird.
*****
here you go. i've given you a pamphlet [[hey buddy... that's an INSERT]] with the list of fines. You can either mail it in or.... [[blah, blah, blahdeedablahda. i'm so bored. i have to pee. i can't afford this. SHIT! the insurance company! they mustn't find out. i wish i were magickal. why is he still talking?]]
and then i tried to get up to speed as much as i could on the shoulder before merging into the "deathlane" of 94east., only to hear a horrendous clang/pop as i eked onto the deathlane. if i've a flattire tomorrow... well, i'll freak out about it. and then perhaps, be silently furious with the mpls police force. and retaliate in passive-aggressive/minnesota-nice manner.... arsenic's 'bout due for a comeback.... [joking, bigbrother, joking!]
but here we have arrived. at the point. in which. i list the reasons why i think this ticket should be void but everyone else will just laugh off instead....
1. why on earth did he pull over me? this must be a hate crime. how he knew i was gay... i do not know. still... HATE CRIME.
2. the ticket cites "S[outh]B[ound] 94 Not 49th" as the offense location.... um.... A) interstates ending in even numbers run East/West... we're on 94 East Bound. copper's dumb as pile o'bricks. B) Not 49th... i do believe he meant "not before 49th." because after 49th is when his jurisdiction kicks in. hmmm, i bet he clocked me speeding prior to that... maybe i should contest.... no. no. just pay it; 'twas bound to happen sooner or later.
3. i'm prettier than he is.
4. my weight and eye colour are totally wrong.
5. his intitals are the same as the power-hungry fag at work's initials. ggggggggggrrrrrrrr-oss!
6. the carbon copy is an unfriendly pink.
7. i didn't want to go to stupid regal cinema in brooklyn park anyway. there was absolutely no reason i should've been on that road.
8. he kept me from peeing.
[[my insurance is gonna suck, suck, suck.]]
[[[i'm moving to chicago where car will be most-unneeded.]]]
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comments?? --->[thisaway]--->[[looks to me as though there are...]]---> 0 repercussions thus far
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[prologue] *** [epilogue] ***[plottwist!]
[[erstwhile]] ***** [[forthwith]]
