but the hand-in-the-air may finally be lowered. question answered. like it or lump it, peacock and i are to be just friends.

i am only surprised that this conclusion feels like a surprise.

i am only upset that this conclusion has upset me to the extent that it has.

it's just bizarre. and it's totally fucked-up. peacock would disagree with the latter terminology; "it's not fucked up." but it is! my bestfriend within 20mile radius, (soon enough, my only bestfriend in-state), is also my only reminder of how broken i can feel. [[and for the record, i don't want a boyfriend, i want and deserve a happily-ever-after.]]

BUT I WOULDN'T WANT TO EVER RUIN THE FRIENDSHIP...but i want to date (for lack of better verb) him, which would inevitably ruin the friendship were it not to work out, which both of us know would be the case... one must admit, it's at least partially-totally fucked up.

and it's just plain weird that i'm completely fine with this and yet completely discontent.

but at the end of the day, it's not the skin off my back, just a layer over the normal shedding skincells.

everything will be allright. i'll get the tattoo. i'll make the soundtrack. i'll have beers with him. i'll stop trying to read him. i'll expect and suspect nothing of and from him. [oh, that'll piss him off...but that's not how i meant it!] perhaps better-put: I'll stop trying to read him. A) there really isn't a need. B) i'm always finding subtext where there isn't anything written between the lines.

and he is not a bad guy. he is not someone that has done me "so much wrong." well, not intentionally. and not so much "so much." I mean, I am a man whose other-cheek is not even half-as-gracious as its counterpart; and yet, i am forgiving. peacock is a saving grace.

i may always feel like i was never given a fair shake. but that's really not important. i've made-do for over a year with that knowledge and i ended up quite fine until our chat on the day he helped me move into my house.... two steps forward and one step back is still a step forward. [christ, how optimistic.]

so all in all. it's more than fine. i'm fine. he's fine. he and i are fine. we are fine. the soundtrack may suggest otherwise... but it's venting cos i've no other outlet for it.

final tracklist (it's been over-a-year in-progress):

--in no particular order--

1. communication*the cardigans

2. the darker days of me&him*pj harvey

3. let's explode!*clem snide

4. mexican wrestler*jill sobule

5. best thing that never happened*paul westerberg

6. tetsuo*dealership

7. becoming*drugmoney

8. circus song*kim richey

9. gift horse*jealous sound

10. joy*lucinda williams (obligatory bitter song)

11. i looked all over town*magnetic fields

12. air*the owls

13. wires and waves*rilo kiley

14. if i can't change your mind*sugar

15. maps*yeah yeah yeahs

16. reconstruction site*the weakerthans (or psalm for the elks lodge last call)

17. i.o.u.*metric

18. white noise*superchunk

i know, i know... needs an editing or two.