the BRUTAL, UGLY truth of my FABULOUS, BEAUTIFUL life.



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11:39 p.m. + 2004-02-17 = and somewhat drunken rambling of a certain, dareisay, depth.

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k, taciturn tendency takes a holiday...

i'm currently talking to one, herre doktor peacock via instant messaging service. he's giddy over a date.

which is good, cos i've been [pretty much] worried since his recent de-friendment of a someone who cannot be friends with herre doktor since he has fallen in love with herre doktor. and upon hearing this from the horses mouth, well reading it from the horse's impeccable typing skills, i instinctively thought --well, well, well... quite a nice pattern developing for you, eh?-- but i didn't say that. it might've been taken as cold, crass, bitter, all of the above. but that's a knee-jerk reaction isn't it--to have the ability to pinpoint an exact flaw that deviated you and him from the "us"?

so, i worried... worried that herre doktor would become bitter, crotchety, unloving person since he was exhibiting early signs... worried that maybe i had once-upon-a-time-ly fallen madly in love with an asexual... worried that a selfish wish for his eternal unhappiness would come true [cos i'm childish and cruel post-breakup, but only half-heartedly-so; i certainly wouldn't take any satisfaction from the granting of such a wish, no pure satisfaction anyway.]

but he's giddy now cos he had a date--"there's a possibility I had the best date of my life last night," said he. [which of course demands an expansion]. and as he spun his lovely-date yarn--which he prefaced with "i'm not entirely sure he's gay" [oh dear]--my worries subsided and the little piece of me that would normally, unnoticeably interject, "hey now! what about me?!?" said nothing at all, and instead died. [finally! the chip is felled from the shoulder.] which only goes to show:

closure is really just jargon-ish word and not at-all necessary in every muddled break-up instance...

and, [though it PAINS me to admit it] i have "grown up" (not pain because i would rather cling to childhood/adolescence/20somethingism, but pain because i am steadfast in belief that i have never been childish, i.e. "32 since you were 6," says mormor.)

so best wishes to le peacock, without whose mattsonheartbreaking i would have never run across beautiful brian--who makes me blush and gush and so insanely!, unjustifiably!, undeservingly! happy that i cringe at sound of bitterness from 1st, 2nd, and longlost 3rd albums.

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comments?? --->[thisaway]--->[[looks to me as though there are...]]---> 0 repercussions thus far

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[prologue] *** [epilogue] ***[plottwist!]

[[erstwhile]] ***** [[forthwith]]

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me
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or
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else...
immortality!



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