my show went off without a noticeable hitch. and, said-gig was a major preoccupier of my time/energy/goals/what-have-you; now that it's said'n'done, i'm feeling a bit empty... meaning, inward-reflectionally-so.

the onset of summer usually brings this sort of emotion. ...having to deal with extended daylight hours[[can still read outside at 10pm!]], humidity and many-more pedestrians are hard things to get re-used to [summer after summer after summer]. moreover, given this time of the year... this is typically when i would be quasi-newly single. ...which hasn't been factor at all this past fullcircle seasonchange.

i wish i could write what i mean to say better cos this isn't coming out right.

blame whiskey.
blame self-defense mechanisms.
blame the unruly hour at which this is being written.
blame the ultra-recent epiphany that i, who has most-always been exceptionally keen at finances/money, might've driven myself into debt [over the past 13 months] in order to provide a distraction from what i'm feeling.

...which is: lonesome.
...but, as the song goes, only when [the proverbial "you"] is around.

and i'm beginning to wonder if this all isn't just this whole living-in-amerika experiment culminating in disasterous effects. it's been 6+ years since i was last in sweden and i'm wondering if it hasn't also been 6+ years then that i have felt at home.

a gig, a holiday, a date.... could flip this coin straight around.