the BRUTAL, UGLY truth of my FABULOUS, BEAUTIFUL life.



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4:41 p.m. + 2003-05-11 = mum's the word.

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happy mother's day indeed. mum had another "revelation" and proceeded to dish out psychoanalytical blah, spitting out things that have crossed my mind on more than several occassions; i just don't like how it sounds when voiced by others...

i fear transparency, but then if my own mother isn't allowed to see through me then there isn't much of a relationship there. i just wish she'd held out a bit longer for it is has ruined my mindset for the day....

the side of my mum that my friends do not see. the side i speak of when humbling the "i love your mum"s and "your mum is the coolest"s. and she is. she is an absolutely amazing woman and i am immensely proud of her even when i am angered and agitated in the early sunday afternoon by her otherside.

also, a serious epost in my inbox from out west, correllating with some keypoints of mum's psychoanalytical blah. serious epost was good (for lack of better adjective in present epistemology.) mixtape is fulltiltboogie-liscious and i've yet to reach side two. but anyway,

words are potent. mine speciellt. and interpretation is something i never plan or account for.

and i didn't play "somewhere in maine" last night because despite the chorus ("but i don't really like to think how different my life could've been"), the song makes me yearn for what could have been or what could be if only. and i've lost my faith in a utopia or an end point where all is well. it's all but a vanishingpoint as well it should do. and maybe i am "too obsessed" with my music, mum. and maybe that is unfair to anyone involved in my life. but it's what i am. and love all my somewheres. my somewhere in maine. my somewhere in northern california. my somewhere in st. paul. to reach a completely satisfactory end would bring forth redundancy... and i just can't be the guy the cleans the already clean garage at 10am on a sunday morning nor the singer/songwriter that pens fluff about graduations. i'm dermis and bone marrow. i'm veggiemeat and seasoned potatoes. besides, mum... my music's never made obsolete any of my attachments. i've done that by my lonesome co-dependent self. now where ever would i have been exposed to co-dependency, hmmm?

ouch, that was mean. and really, only halfheartedly written.

okay... deep breath... this week that will kill me must begin now... to the library with books and walkman with mixtape in tote.

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comments?? --->[thisaway]--->[[looks to me as though there are...]]---> 0 repercussions thus far

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[prologue] *** [epilogue] ***[plottwist!]

[[erstwhile]] ***** [[forthwith]]

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